Understanding Asexuality

Hello to whoever is reading this! Today we are going to be talking about something a bit different; something that you might have not even heard about before. And that is Asexuality. Maybe you are reading this on my blog or facebook, or perhaps you are just curious. Maybe you are wondering if you are asexual yourself. Whatever the reason you might be reading this, my reason for writing this is to educate.

  If you aren’t aware, I am asexual, and that is something I have only recently figured out, and I’m even still often confused about it. I have struggled my whole life with my sexuality. It isn’t because I had a hard time accepting it; It’s because I didn’t even know it existed.

  Now, I am going to ask you a question and I want you to think long and hard about it. Are labels good or bad? I’m not talking about labels on soup cans or the little stickers on food that tell you if it's sugar free, I’m talking about the labels we give people. Gay, straight, black, white, the list could go on forever. You’re first reaction is probably, yeah, of course labels are bad, and you are right, in a way. Because of these labels, wars were fought, people's lives were ruined, and there are people out there working hard to destroy these labels everyday. That's great! But if you ask me, these labels aren't ever going to truly go away. We are people, and for some reason we always feel the need to place people into boxes; It helps us understand them. If I could make all these labels go away I would, but I can’t, and they are still here and they are staying.

   We have all these little boxes and we continue to put people in them everyday, except there are some boxes that don't have labels. If you are someone that fits into one of those common boxes, you probably hate them. You probably don’t even see the point of why they are there, but have you ever stopped and wondered, really wondered, what you would feel like if people kept trying to shove you into these boxes and you just couldn’t fit?

   I grew up without a box, and to you that probably sounds great, but I can’t even tell you how many nights I cried myself to sleep because of it. I sat there, peering through the different shaped holes of the boxes, trying to squeeze into them like everyone else did effortlessly. Everyone inside these boxes didn't understand. Some told me I just wasn’t trying hard enough, while others told me that one day If I just kept trying I would be able to fit. Some told me it was better this way and that I should stop trying to cram myself into this shape that was always the wrong size, so I sat by myself outside on the cold floor and watched the people inside the boxes. I was jealous of how carefree they were. How could they sit around with each other and talk about how stupid these boxes were when I would have done anything to fit into one of them?

   I tried hard to forget about it and just be myself, but I found that it was impossible for other people to do the same. “When are you going to get a boyfriend?” They would ask. “You are just gay and in denial,” They told me. “If you would just stop pretending, you could fit into this box just fine.” Some tried to comfort me by telling me that I was just “A late bloomer” or that I “Just needed to find the right person.” They told me that I would understand when I was older and I sat there and waited and aged.

  I watched as my friends went through puberty and became boy crazy. I sat there and nodded my head and forced a smile when they asked for confirmation about whether or not a certain boy was cute. After telling them again and again that I didn’t have a crush on anyone, I would end up picking a random boy from class when they refused to let the subject drop, only to regret it when they decided they wouldn’t talk about anything else after that. I would lay on my bed beside my best friend as she talked about how hot a certain guy from class was and I kept urging her to do something actually entertaining with me instead but she didn’t want to. Growing up people wouldn’t stop talking about how great I would be with my own kids one day when I interacted with my baby sister. I told them I didn’t think I would ever want kids and they laughed and told me that they hadn’t planned for kids either. I endured my sister's wedding and even though the day was supposed to be about her, everyone felt the need to tell me that I was going to be beautiful when I stood at the altar one day, and some even made fun of me and told me that they were starting to doubt that I would ever get married. I didn’t think it was funny.

   This unbearable sadness and frustration built up within me. Every time someone made jokes about me being secretly attracted to a movie star, or told me that they knew I wasn’t “as innocent as I pretended to be”, was like a stab to the heart. I squirmed in embarrassment when my siblings suggested to my parents that it was time for “The talk”. No one ever listened to me when I told them I didn’t need it and that I just wasn’t interested in stuff like that.

   Finally, all these emotions built up within me and they finally came pouring out in one big emotional breakdown when one day, my mom and brother made a casual joke about thinking that I was probably gay. My mom told me that she would love me anyway, and continued washing the dishes without thinking much more of it, but to everyone in the kitchen and even my surprise and horror, I burst into tears. Everyone was alarmed and my brother scrambled to apologize, while my mother gave me a rare show of affection by wrapping me in a hug. To them this was confirmation that I was gay, and they again told me that they loved me anyway, but in a way it just made it worse because I couldn’t figure out how to put my emotions into words. All I could tell them was that I was really confused and that I really didn’t know what I was. The entire house slowly poured into the kitchen and attempted to comfort me as I tried to rein in my emotions. I pretended to feel better and reassured, and forced laughter when they tried to lighten the mood with jokes, but it might surprise you to know that I only felt worse.

   I was never really worried or doubtful about whether or not my family would accept me and love me as I am. It felt nice to hear, but the biggest problem was that I still felt broken. I didn’t fit in with the straight people, or the gay people, and I didn’t think I was bisexual either. What was wrong with me? All my life I had pushed these thoughts to the back of my mind, but once I actually confronted it, it made it real and I couldn’t shove these doubts back down again. So a few days later I tried talking to my mom about it, only to be told the same thing I had been told my whole life; she told me that I didn’t need to worry about it, and that I just needed to find the right person. I shrugged and told her that maybe she was right, but I knew she wasn’t.

   So, lost and confused I did what I always did when I had a problem- I researched. I picked apart all of the sexualities I knew about. I spent days watching coming out videos. I took endless quizzes that claimed they would tell me what my sexuality was only to end up even more frustrated than before when all the quizzes asked about was my previous sexual experiences. I applied every sexuality I knew to myself and mulled it over before deciding that it just didn’t fit.

  I don't know exactly when I realized I was asexual, but I think it all started when I saw a post about asexuality on Pinterest when I was going through another research period. I looked the definition up because I had never heard of it before, only to close the web browser when I thought it meant that you didn’t have a sex drive. Still, the term didn’t leave my brain and when all my other research proved to be fruitless, I looked it up again. I found an article online talking about it, but it was just a bunch of different people talking about their experiences, and then mushing it together, and I found it far too confusing.

   I searched for it on Youtube and found a particular video about a guy explaining that he was asexual. His description of himself fit me perfectly and for the first time, I realized that asexuality was the closest thing I had ever gotten to describing my sexuality. This video fed a fire within me and I tried watching more videos to learn more, only to get frustrated when asexual youtubers refused to talk about their sexuality because they didn’t want to ‘label themselves’ or answer personal or embarrassing questions. I couldn’t get a straight answer from anybody and all anyone wanted to talk about was asexual stereotypes rather than what we actually are. But little by little I started to put the pieces together.

   I joined an LGBT group on an app called Pacifica and explained my predicament. I told them that I was really confused but I thought I was probably asexual, only for everyone to turn around and tell me that asexuality didn’t exist. They told me that it was really celibacy I was talking about, and that I didn’t belong in an LGBT group. I was absolutely crushed. I thought I had finally found a group of people that understood me, only to find out that many members of the LGBT community were even more close minded and rude than most of the straight people I had tried to talk to.     

  More lost and upset than ever before, I discovered an asexual group. I introduced myself and asked most of my questions on there, and made other asexual friends. I found that everyone on there truly understood me and whenever they talked about their sexuality it fit how I felt exactly. With every day that passed I felt more and more confident in my sexuality. But I still had a lot of questions that no one was really willing to answer, and that’s why I decided to write this. I just felt the urge to let everyone know that sometimes not having a label can be just as bad or even worse than actually having one. By refusing to talk about and accept asexuality, you are just making it worse. I grew up thinking that the only option I had was to get married, move into a house with a white picket fence, and to have or adopt children. I thought I had to like men or women, or even both, and was upset and confused when I realized I didn’t like either. So yes, labels can be bad, but do you want to know what I identified as before I learned about asexuality? Broken.

   If someone had told me that there was another option, I would have been so much happier. I wouldn’t have grown up wondering why there was something wrong with me. And while most say asexuals are only one percent of the population, that is still millions of people! There are millions of asexuals out there that are confused, that think they are broken, all because they don't even realize they have a box too. These boxes can be scary and confining, but after you've been left out in the cold for awhile it can be immensely comforting to finally step inside one. When I discovered that I was asexual it was like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders, and I want other people to get the chance to feel that.

  If I hadn’t seen those people trying to get the word out about asexuality I would still think I was broken. There are millions of people out there, both young and old, little kids and the elderly that don't know why they don't quite fit in, and that is not ok. When someone tries to talk to you about their feelings, or tells you they are asexual, please don't brush it off. I can assure you it isn’t some label they slapped onto themselves without thinking, and your criticism doesn't help, it only makes us feel like our feelings aren't valid. You don’t have to support it or understand it, but at the very least, please don’t attack us for it. After all, what harm does it do to you? We are doing nothing; we are literally doing no one. Hating us simply because we don’t feel sexual attraction doesn't make sense.

  And I’m not saying we should go and urge everyone to look into sexuality, or educate kids all about it. I just think that we should let people know that there is another option, and just because you don't feel sexual attraction doesn't mean you are broken.

   But out of all the things I have heard when coming out as asexual, people telling me that I have it easy is by far the worst. I’ve had people tell me that I’m lucky I’m asexual because I don't get hate for it, and I don’t get bullied for it. I’ve actually had people tell me that they wish they were asexual because it would be a lot easier, but it isn’t. Being asexual means growing up believing that you are a late bloomer, and then believing that you are broken. Being asexual means learning about the orientation and still being afraid to identify as asexual because what if everyone turns out to be right and it was really just a phase? Being asexual means coming out to people and having them laugh or scoff in your face and tell you that you just need to “find the right person”. Being asexual means being told you have it easy, when in reality you would do anything to be anything but asexual. Being asexual means having people dismiss your feelings like they are non existent, so they can shove their own feelings onto you instead. Being asexual is not easy. It is not fun. It is not a choice. We need asexual representation, and that is why I am going to be answering the most common questions people have about asexuality. Keep in mind that asexuality is a spectrum and everyone has different comfort zones and experiences, so I will be talking about how most asexuals feel- not all. Alright, now that all of that’s out of the way, let’s get to the questions!

“Can any gender be asexual?” Yes, absolutely! Asexuals can be men, women, transgender, genderfluid- asexuality is a sexual orientation and not limited to any specific gender.

“Do asexuals have a sex drive?” Like anyone else, most asexuals do have a sex drive. Being asexual does not mean that you have a low sex drive or don’t enjoy sex, it mean’s that you are not sexually attracted to either gender. So some asexuals do masturbate, or experience sexual feelings at times- they just aren't directed towards anyone. And asexuals don't really feel the need to have sex with anyone either. There are asexuals out there that do not have a sex drive and some that have never had any sexual feelings at all, but definitely not all or most asexuals.

“Do asexuals have sex?” Everyone has different comfort zone and feelings when it comes to sex, so the answer to this question is different for everyone. I find that most asexuals don’t have sex, and don't feel the need to have sex with anyone. There are asexuals out there that have sex for their partner, or sometimes just to feel good, and there are some people out there that would rather cut off their own arm. But at the end of the day, asexuals can have sex, but just don't feel the need to. Even if they enjoy the activity at times, it could be replaced with literally any other enjoyable activity. There is a running joke among asexuals, where if they had to choose between sex or cake- they would choose cake.

“Is asexuality the same thing as celibacy?” No, absolutely not. This is a common misconception. Many people believe that being asexual simply means that you don't have sex, but that is wrong. Celibacy is a choice; it is when a person chooses to abstain from sexual relations. Most celibate people still feel sexual attraction and the desire to have sex, they just refrain from it for personal or religious reasons. Most asexuals are celibate, but asexuality is when you don't feel sexual attraction and it is not a choice, it is a sexual orientation.

“Is being aromantic and asexual the same thing?” No. Being aromantic means that you don't feel romantically attracted to either gender and don’t desire romance or a romantic relationship. Being asexual means that you don't feel sexual attraction to either gender and don't desire sex. Asexuals can still fall in love and desire a romantic relationship, but don't want the sexual part of a relationship, while aromantics would rather just have platonic friendship. There are many aromantic asexuals, who don't want romance or sex, but they are both two different things, and you can be just aromantic, or just asexual, you don't have to be both.

“Can asexuals be in a romantic relationship?” Yes! Asexuals can fall in love and feel romantic attraction towards someone. They can even get married and have or adopt kids! Most of the time when an asexual is in a relationship it is a non-sexual relationship, but some asexuals will have sex for their partner.

“Is asexuality a phase?” No, asexuality is not a phase. I personally believe I have been asexual my whole life, and I believe I will be for the rest of my life. However, sometimes a person will identify with a certain sexuality, only to later realize that the sexuality doesn’t fit them. There have been people that identified as asexual, only to later realize that they are demisexual and are only sexually attracted to people they have a deep emotional bond with. But asexuals don't have any higher a chance of this happening than any other sexuality. There are people out there that thought they were straight and later realized that they are gay, and vice versa. It doesn't mean you were wrong, it just means that you grew as a person and were finally able to decipher your feelings; it is something to be proud of, not ashamed of. Nevertheless, asexuality is not a phase, and while some people later on realize that they weren't asexual after all, the chances of that happening are extremely slim.

“Were asexuals sexually abused as a child?” Most of the time, no. Being sexually abused has nothing to do with asexuality, and you might find that most people that were sexually abused are sex repulsed- not asexual. Being sex repulsed, germaphobic, celibate, and asexual are all completely different things. Most asexuals I know have never been sexually abused, but there are some that have. Whether you believe that sexually abused asexuals are asexual because of the abuse shouldn’t matter. Their sexuality isn’t any less valid than yours. Asking this is a bit like asking if someone is straight because they were sexually abused by the opposite gender, or asking if someone is gay because they were abused by the same gender. There really isn’t a connection. Some asexuals were sexually abused, but most weren’t

“Why do asexual people come out?” Everyone has different reasons for coming out as asexual. For most, it's basically the same reason why someone would come out as gay. It gets frustrating when people expect you to date or be sexually attracted to someone that you are not, and some asexuals come out so that people can keep this in mind and stop bugging us about it. Your sexuality doesn't define you, but it is a part of you, so it is typically something you would want people to know. My family was always there for me as I struggled with my sexuality, even if they didn't entirely understand it, so when I found out that I wasn’t broken and that there are other people like me, I felt the need to share it with them so they could share the knowledge and the happiness with me.

"What if I feel attracted to somebody but not sexually?" There are many different types of attraction besides sexual attraction! Many people confuse these different kinds of attraction, thinking the only kind of attraction is sexual, but that isn't true. There is-

Romantic attraction: If you experience romantic attraction you might find that you want a relationship with that person. You might be in love with them romantically or want to do other romantic things with them. There are different types of romantic orientations as well! Some people are only romantically attracted to the opposite gender, or the same gender, or both: there are even people that identify as aromantic because they don't feel romantic attraction at all.

Aesthetic attraction: Aesthetic attraction is when you find someone very aesthetically pleasing. This feeling is not sexual but something more similar to how you would feel when admiring a painting. You can find someone so pleasing to look at you just can't stop staring at them, but it doesn't turn to sexual attraction until you feel a desire to be sexual with that person.

Sensual attraction: This one is typically the most confusing and misunderstood attraction of them all. Sensual attraction and sexual attraction walk a very fine line, and it can be confusing to decipher which one you are feeling. But when it comes down to it, sensual attraction is when you want to be sensual with someone- this includes kissing, cuddling, hugging, and other physically intimate but not sexual things.

Sexual attraction: This is when you desire to be sexually intimate with someone you find sexually attractive. Asexuals can feel every kind of attraction listed above except for sexual attraction. If you find that you experience sexual attraction but very rarely or only when you have a strong emotional bond with someone, then you might be demisexual.

"Can I be asexual if-" Yes! The only reason that you wouldn't be asexual is if you experience sexual attraction. You can be asexual and masturbate, experience arousal, have a libido, like porn, have sex, enjoy sex, are in or have been in a relationship, appreciate people's appearances, want to kiss and cuddle, fantasize, have kinks, were sexually abused, want kids, experience romantic attraction, and have sexual fantasies. You are not asexual if you experience sexual attraction.

“How do I know if I’m asexual?” This is a difficult one as it isn’t like there is some kind of test or way to know for sure. I figured it out by lots and lots of research. I watched videos, I read articles, and I found an asexual group and asked them a bunch of questions. I found that for the most part, the way I felt was very similar or even the exact same as the way other asexuals felt. It seems like it would be very easy to know, as asexuality is fairly simple- it means you aren't sexually attracted to either gender and you don't desire sex; but it’s very hard to say for sure that you’ve never experienced a certain feeling before. I still doubt myself and my sexuality everyday, and I don’t know of even one asexual that is any different. I believe it’s because we grew up being told that there is no such thing, and that you have to be sexually attracted to someone, but that isn’t true. When you are told over and over again that your sexuality is a phase, it’s very hard not to doubt it. But one thing that I’ve come to terms with is that this is the way I feel right now. If that changes in the future then I will deal with it, but I don’t believe it ever will, and so I identify as asexual. Your sexuality doesn't define you- your box doesn't define you, and for most people it can be incredibly comforting to identify as one of these sexualities or labels because it helps you feel like you are not alone, and it is easier to explain yourself to people, but you don’t have to identify as anything if you don’t want to. Think about it and if you think that you are asexual then that is great- there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! But if you don’t want to put yourself in a box, or just can’t seem to find the one that fits, then try not to worry about it. Either one day you will find the perfect way to describe how you feel, or you live your life without the expectations of labels. The most important thing to realize is: You are not your sexuality. You are not broken. You are human.